7 Perspectives of: Interacting with family members/friends whose opinions/values (significantly) differ from yours.

The way we see and interpret situations informs how we feel about and respond to those situations. There are 7 general ways of viewing and interpreting any situation we may encounter. When we consider each of these perspectives, we can then choose the one that is most likely to help create our desired outcome.

Below is an example of 7 levels of perspective related to: Interacting with family members/friends whose opinions/values (significantly) differ from yours.

Note: each of the levels of perspective can show up in different ways for different people. This post is not suggesting that every person experiencing each level will think, feel, and or respond in every way outlined below. This is merely intended to share insight about how the levels tend to show up and spark curiosity in you about which level you may be experiencing.

Also, none of the levels are good or bad, right or wrong. Each level is helpful in particular circumstances and less helpful in other circumstances. The value in understanding the levels is to determine the degree to which each level would serve or limit you so you can make a conscious choice for yourself.

LEVEL 1

Level 1 Perspectives (Powerlessness, futility, avoidance): I really wish Uncle Larry* wasn’t coming, he makes things so uncomfortable. No matter how many times I’ve tried to hold my boundaries, he always crosses them, which makes me feel powerless and unsafe in his presence. But I also don’t want to be mean or make him feel bad, so I feel like I have to interact with him, even though I don’t want to. 

Level 1 Responses: Avoid being in the same room as Uncle Larry, feel anxious thinking about potential interactions, feel incapable of holding boundaries if you end up in a conversation with him. 

*No offense intended to any real Uncle Larry’s out there!

LEVEL 2

Level 2 Perspectives (Judgement, anger, blame): Uncle Larry is the worst, why do we keep letting him come, share all his unhinged opinions, and make everyone uncomfortable? I refuse to allow him to be disrespectful in front of me and I’m going to let him know how wrong he is.

Level 2 Responses: Engage in a heated debate with Uncle Larry about how wrong his perspective is, overtly disagree with anything he says, or simply refuse to engage with him in any capacity while feeling increasingly agitated by everything you overhear him say.

LEVEL 3

Level 3 Perspectives (Responsibility, forgiveness, rationalization): I don’t enjoy spending time with Uncle Larry but I want to keep the peace and try to enjoy myself so I’ll do what I can to play nice. He’s entitled to his own perspective and even though I don’t agree with most of what he says, I don’t need to make a scene. 

Level 3 Responses: Pretend to laugh at his jokes while secretly judging him and then quickly excuse yourself to leave his presence. Go to another room to take several deep breaths between interactions with him and then paste on a smile when you return. Simply ignore him and focus on the people you want to spend time with. Rationalize the appropriateness of whatever you choose as your own coping mechanisms (more wine, anyone?).

LEVEL 4

Level 4 Perspectives (Care, compassion, service): I know Uncle Larry had a rough childhood and what I perceive as his absurdities are just coping mechanisms he’s adopted over time to feel okay. I feel for him, it must be exhausting to always feel like he has to defend himself in that way. I wonder how I can be kind to him and also save other family members when they get stuck in interactions with him. That said, it’s important for me to protect myself and honor my own values too. 

Level 4 Responses: Take nothing he says personally, see the wounded child beneath his confidently opinionated facade, consistently attempt to redirect the conversation back to neutral topics, jump into the conversation when other family members look trapped, and treat yourself with whatever feels good to you in the moment. 

LEVEL 5

Level 5 Perspectives (Growth mindset, curiosity, solution-focus): Despite the differences I perceive between me and Uncle Larry, I know I can find some common ground with him. I know at the very least, we both enjoy Thanksgiving food, or football, or simply desire to be seen and heard. If I really think about it, we also both value or desire xyz. I wonder how we can emphasize that common ground to get what we both want.

Level 5 Responses: Identify the areas of common ground. If it feels like there is no obvious shared interests or desires, consider what all humans want e.g., to be seen, heard, loved, accepted, safe, etc. Focus on highlighting your commonalities and working together to bring your desires to fruition. 

LEVEL 6

Level 6 Perspectives (Connection, joy, wisdom): The way I feel about Uncle Larry’s way of being is showing me something about my own values. If I had walked in his same shoes, who’s to say I wouldn’t have developed a similar perspective as him? In fact, I feel equally as strongly as him in some areas. Who am I to judge where he is in his story? Everyone’s story is as unique and important as anyone else’s. Uncle Larry’s perspective isn’t a threat to me so I can accept him as he is.

Level 6 Responses: Simply hold space for his perspective, recognizing that he feels as strongly about his perspective as you feel about yours, even if you don’t express yours in a similarly overt way. Feel no need to change, fix, correct, or judge him. See yourself in him. Notice and honor your somatic sensations that may be saying you need a break from interacting with him.

LEVEL 7

Level 7 Perspectives (Non-judgement, absolute joy, creation): Uncle Larry is a beloved child of God and I feel nothing but unconditional love for him. I take no offense from any of his thoughts or opinions because I hold no attachment to any of my own thoughts and opinions. I can consciously choose my response in every moment.

Level 7 Responses: Simply be. Exude love and light. Create the experience you desire to experience. 

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As you consider the 7 perspectives and responses above:

• Which level most accurately reflects your perspective before reading this post?

• Which perspective feels most helpful to you as you consider this holiday season?

• What might become possible if you adopted that new perspective?

If you would like support along this journey, I invite you to schedule time with me to explore how coaching can accelerate your learning and growth journey.