Friday Reflections - When failure is a winning strategy.

It has been a week, y’all. One of those weeks wherein everything has been a bit (or a lot) harder than it should be, harder than it normally is.

Anyone else feel that? Feel a bit stuck in the mud?

It can feel exhausting to persevere through and even tempting to just lay down in the mud and acknowledge defeat. To resign yourself to the idea of failure and futility.

I was journaling about this feeling the other day and asked myself this question: how is the choice to consider yourself a failure serving you?

One might be inclined to say that it’s obviously not serving me. However, we only choose things that serve us, even if it’s a subconscious choice, and even if the only thing being served is our ego.

Here is what came to me: when I resign myself to the belief that I’m a failure, I give myself an out. I give myself a reason to give up. After all, if nothing is working, then why would I bother continuing to try?

And if I give up, then I no longer have to bear the anxiety of the unknown. I no longer have to risk the possibility of further failure or stay in the discomfort of being in process.

I no longer have to exercise patience or trust that something greater than myself is working something out in and for me.

In self-identifying as a failure, I get to reassert control.

Here’s the funny thing.

Identifying myself as a failure suggests I have a lack of choice or agency. However, by acknowledging I was choosing failure as a strategy, I paradoxically reclaimed my sense of agency.

After all, if I was choosing to believe I was a failure, instead of fundamentally being a failure, then I could make a different choice.

So I considered my choices:

1. Continue on as I have been, staying stuck in the mud and feeling bad about it (Level 1 perspective).

2. Blame someone else for my problems (Level 2 perspective).

3. Find the silver lining and do whatever I need to do to feel “fine” again (Level 3 perspective).

4. Have self-compassion and self-empathy given some of the real challenges I’ve experienced (Level 4 perspective).

5. Release my judgment of the situation and ask, what can I learn from this experience? (Level 5 perspective).

6. Recognize and accept that this experience is likely forming something new and important in me while simultaneously deconstructing old and unhelpful ways of thinking and being (Level 6 perspective).

7. Reconnect to my higher power (i.e., God) who reminds me I am both inherently worthy and wholly beloved, and that success and failure are illusions (Level 7 perspective).

The moment I acknowledged I had choices, my energy completely shifted. It was a palpable feeling in my whole being.

I ultimately chose a combination of 4, 6, and 7.

Let me be clear: Choosing a different perspective doesn't magically change our circumstances. Things are still challenging. But shifting our perspective of those challenges significantly changes our felt experience and our capacity to hold onto hope that things could be different.

Life is seasonal and cyclical. Challenging times turn to more easeful times, which eventually turn back to challenging times, and the cycle continues in perpetuity. The hope is that the good times outweigh the bad times, over time.

A drawing by Steph Edwards from her Instagram account @toyoufromsteph.

So my invitation to curiosity today is this:

1. If you’ve been feeling stuck lately, which of the perspectives outlined above have you been consciously or subconsciously choosing?

2. How has that choice been serving you? Remember that everything we choose serves us in some way.

3. What other choices are available to you?

4. To what extent will it serve you to continue on in the way you have been?

Stay curious,

Jessica

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