Friday Reflections - The Key to Effective Influencing
TLDR: The key to effective influence is identifying a goal shared by you and the person you’re trying to influence, and then channeling your energy into creating a mutually beneficial solution to that shared goal.
The other day, my husband and I were having a passionate conversation (i.e., argument) about finances (trying to improve that financial vision alignment score I referenced a couple weeks ago!).
I was insisting we had fundamentally different perspectives about finances, and he disagreed (I noted the irony of disagreeing that we disagree).
I could feel my ego rooting into the idea that we were on opposing sides even as my husband listed out several financial perspectives we did, in fact, agree on.
I had to take a moment and ask myself, what is my ego trying to achieve here because I rationally knew that positioning myself on a different team than him would create a zero-sum outcome, wherein the only way for me to win was for him to lose, and vice-versa. Given that we share our finances, if either of us loses, then we both lose, so zero-sum isn’t an optimal outcome.
When we create zero-sum situations, we lose our ability to influence and can only get things done by force, fear, coercion, and other command-and-control characteristics. This is true in any relational context, whether at work or at home. And while this approach may work for a time, it has longer term, unproductive consequences.
In the financial conversation with my husband, I had lost all ability to influence him or the outcome of the conversation due to my ego-based recalcitrance. However, once I was able to understand and subsequently quiet my ego, I was able to acknowledge our shared goals and we were able to move forward.
The moment we identify shared goals with someone, we put ourselves on the same team. When we’re on the same team, we gain the ability to productively influence each other by channeling our energy into co-creating solutions to achieve our shared goals instead of blaming each other for our perceived problems.
When we’re in a conflict situation, a helpful step before identifying shared goals is to simply acknowledge that the current situation isn't working. When we can both agree that something isn’t working, we create a point of alignment that enables us to ask: if what we’re currently experiencing isn’t working, then what is it that we do want to experience? This then creates context to identify shared goals.
My invitation to curiosity for you today is:
What is a situation wherein you’re trying to achieve a goal and believe someone else is getting in your way?
What are some shared goals you can identify that you and the other person/people involved in the situation hold?
Note: If you can’t immediately identify any shared goals related to your current situation, take a step back and think about it more broadly. What goals do you both share simply by virtue of being human? For example, you both probably desire to be treated with dignity and respect and prefer peace over conflict. Perhaps you’re on different teams at work but share the desire to achieve the mission of your organization. Start broadly and then continue working closer to your current situation, identifying shared goals as you go.
What would it look like to approach your next conversation from the lens of creating mutually beneficial solutions to your shared goal(s)?
Drop me a line and let me know what comes to mind!
Stay curious,
Jessica
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