Friday Reflections - What to do when we want two seemingly conflicting things.
“I want to stop feeling upset but also want to keep feeling upset!”
These were the words of my 6-year-old in the midst of a recent meltdown.
He was upset because I told him he actually ended up getting 10 minutes of screen time before school instead of the 3 minutes I initially told him he could have. He thought that was an outrageous thing for me to say, because in his mind he most certainly did not get more than 3 minutes.
Despite his disconnection from the reality of his screen time, it struck me that in sharing his desire to both stop being upset and continue being upset, he was expressing a sentiment we all experience at times: We want two seemingly conflicting things at the same time.
When we experience conflicting feelings or needs, the net result is usually a feeling of stuckness and an inability to move confidently in either direction.
I started thinking about how paradox (i.e., two seemingly conflicting things being true at the same time) shows up for us at work specifically. Consider these scenarios I often hear from clients. Do any of them feel familiar to you?
I have too much on my plate but I don’t want to burden my team.
I want to delegate to my team but also want to keep the work so I can show I’m contributing value.
I want to hold my team accountable for not delivering as expected, or for not behaving in a way that is consistent with our shared values, but also don’t want to cause conflict.
I want to have work-life balance but also want to respond to emails or Slack messages whenever I receive them, even if it’s at 9:00pm.
So what do we do when we're feeling stuck between two seemingly conflicting desires?
In these situations, it can be helpful to:
1. Acknowledge all your conflicting thoughts and feelings, without judgement.
When we write out all our thoughts and feelings, then we can more clearly see the totality of our experience. We no longer feel a sense of ambiguous uneasiness or anxiety, and instead start feeling clarity. We haven't solved anything yet, but at least we understand what's happening inside ourselves.
In this part of the process, we can unintentionally self-sabotage if we're unwilling to acknowledge what we're actually thinking and feeling, because we judge those thoughts and feelings as bad or wrong.
It's only once we're willing to be totally honest with ourselves that we can start seeing reality, move forward, and make productive choices.
Consider the example below of thoughts and feelings one might have related to the idea of delegating work to their team.
2. Ask yourself, how true is this belief, really? What evidence do I have to support this belief?
When we ask ourselves these questions, we often find the beliefs keeping us stuck are rooted in fear, and that we have little to no evidence supporting those fears.
In fact, we often find we have clear evidence to the contrary. Thus, the simple act of asking yourself, "how true or likely is this, really?" can create a shift.
Related to the idea of delegating, how true is it really that your team member will be upset with you if you delegate something to them? What evidence do you have of that? What if you just asked them how they would feel about the project?How can you frame the ask in a way that helps them see the value of that project to them?
3. Ask yourself, how is this belief serving me? What might it be costing me?
As you've likely heard me say many times, everything we choose serves us in some way, even if at face value it doesn't, and even if the only thing being served is our ego or our need for self-protection.
When we consider how a belief is both serving and costing/limiting us, we often see that although it is serving us in some way, it's costing us far more. This realization then invites us into curiosity about what would serve us better and cost us less.
Going back to our delegating example, believing that your team member may be upset with you for delegating serves you because it prevents you from having to risk experiencing a potentially uncomfortable conversation. However, those same beliefs cost you time and energy and costs your team member the opportunity to grow and develop in a new way.
4. Ask yourself, what else might be true that would better serve me and cost me less?
If you've been reading my recent reflections, you know there are 7 different ways to look at any situation, and each of those 7 ways is equally valid, though not always equally helpful.
A new belief related to delegation might be as follows: the work I want to delegate would offer my team member the opportunity to feel trusted and empowered while also learning an important skill they’ll need later in their career.
If you believed that, then you would feel excited about delegating because you know it will benefit them. If you felt excited, then you would share it in a way that emphasizes the value to your team member. Sharing it in that way then increases the likelihood they will respond in a positive way.
There are many other beliefs related to delegation that may be helpful to consider; the point is less about what you choose to believe and more about whether that belief is ultimately helpful.
When we take the time to unravel and acknowledge our seemingly contradictory thoughts and feelings, we can get ourselves unstuck and start making conscious choices aligned our desired outcomes.
To what extent do you experience paradoxical sentiments at work?
Stay curious,
Jessica
Jessica
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